Today I am not ok

Today I am not OK. I know there are going to be days that take the wind out of my sails and knock me to my knees. I know that it is OK to be angry and disappointed, but when I step back, I realize that this is all part of my journey. I don't expect anyone to understand, or even always sympathize with me, but I do want people to know that I need to feel the range of all emotions in order to make it through without cracking. I'm allowed to not be fake or have to pretend that I'm OK with everything around me. If I don't allow myself at least that, then I am not staying true to myself.


I am close to the end of this long journey. The ending has never been as close as it is now. I see the finish line and it means so much no to do it alone. I have the most amazing support system and sometimes when you cannot turn to those that you usually do, you find that there is support when other doors open.

PS: I found the following to be comforting in some weird way!

Remember the good old days when you had no idea what cervical mucus was; you didn’t chart your temperature first thing in the morning and you never had a full emotional breakdown if your husband was unavailable during your peak ovulation period.
Infertility has made you weird.
Remember the days when you used birth control pills so you wouldn’t get pregnant? When your older cousin announced her pregnancy and you didn’t burst into tear? When you would walk past a pregnant woman without glaring and feeling jealous of her baby bump? Your life has now changed. Oh, how it has changed.
You now know your husband’s exact sperm count and the rate of his motility (But doctor, his count was 1 million during our last appointment and his motility has gone up 10%). You now use words like ‘cervical mucus’ and ‘ovulation’ as if they are common words (I think I saw cervical mucus last month so I guess I ovulated. Do you think I could be pregnant, co-worker who I don’t really know?). You now have fertility medication in your refrigerator, right next to the milk and last night’s leftover quiche (Dinner time! Tonight we’re having meatloaf or Progesterone). You google all your fake pregnancy symptoms including (and not limited to): I have a cold. Am I pregnant? Strange twitches on left side. Am I pregnant? My right breast feels more swollen than my left. Am I pregnant already?

1. You sob every time someone posts a belly photo on Facebook.
2. A pregnancy announcement from your friend or a complete stranger can send you into an equal depression.
3. You have FertilityAuthority.com and whythehellamInotpregnant.com bookmarked on your computer.
4. You refuse to buy tampons/pads, just in case you might be pregnant this month (and your underwear suffers).
5. You stop drinking coffee and then drink as much as you can once your period arrives.
6. Seeing a drop in your basal temperature makes you inconsolably upset.
7. You listen to Michael Bolton songs and it makes you think of your infertility journey.
8. You feel relieved to see another woman carry a tampon into the bathroom stall.

Infertility has made your weird. But it’s not your fault. Blame infertility.

One Baby Step Closer...

I finally had a + OPK yesterday! I was not too surprised since I had a CM change the day before and had been to acupuncture on Wednesday! Electroacupuncture must have helped jump start my body! So, I forgot to call Dr. K yesterday, and had a mini freak out moment last night. Luckily my DH and SIL talked me off the ledge. I called the doctor this morning since I forgot to do it during Friday's office hours. The doctor was really sweet and said  not to worry. I have to go get my progesterone checked tomorrow and then I start the estrogen patch and estrodial twice a day until AF starts. We are one baby step closer to starting the IVF process!

Hope and Inspiration

This weekend, the DH and I went on a little excursion to Chicago! Honestly, it was just what I needed to get away from all the infertility and pregnancy news. Sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming thinking "When is it our turn? Does God know that we want a family? Is HE evening listening?" So, after a minor trip to the emergency room ( OK a MAJOR trip since my mom had a freakish accident and fell and broke her left wrist. Only bonus, the doctor was DREAMY!), we made it on the road. We were surprised by the Courtyard Marriott by being greeted as the "Guest of the Evening" which meant an upgrade to the 'presidential suite'. I use that loosely since it really was a glorified room with excellent early 90's decor! Saturday, the DH took me to XOCO, a restaurant by my hero, Rick Bayless. The drinking chocolate was to die for, and I think, could cure any bad day, week, or maybe even year with a mug! I was in heaven!

We then ventured out to a good college friend of mine. She had been through the same IVF process almost a year ago to the date. She now has two beautiful boys to show from their patience and praying. I thought I would be emotional, but when I saw her and her husband and then the two most beautiful boys, I melted! Patrick and I were in heaven, holding, cuddling, and rocking these sweet boys. I knew when I looked at my husband holding Jake, that our turn is not too far away. This was a good stepping stone to show us what our patience will bring!
I have their pictures on my refrigerator as inspiration and hope to help guide me through the difficult  moments that I may face. It was so wonderful to laugh and share stories with someone who knows EXACTLY what I am going through! Being there gave me an inner peace and comfort to know that I am not alone. In addition, two of my other roommates from 1234 White street came too! (No, we did not live in a drug house as my brother would ask me all the time). It was so wonderful to see them, and laugh and have just a good time, like the good ol' days...although we weren't gearing up to go out at 11PM....

Patrick and I then ventured to the city on Sunday and Monday. He took me to the Shedd Aquarium and then to the Art museum as well! We even did some shopping on Michigan Ave. I was super geeked because Victoria's Secret had my LIME GREEN bra! OK, this is a big deal, since Tanner chewed mine up when he was a puppy!

Although it was short, the trip was good for my soul. Getting back into the daily grind wasn't too hard. :) Today is CD 13 with only a slight indication that I might be close to ovulation. I went to acupuncture today and she did some  electroacupuncture to help get my ovaries to ovulate.

So, we continue to wait, but we take baby steps closer to our family.

It's about freakin time!

Things have been going good. I've been for my second and third acupuncture appointments. This last appointment the girl put the needles in my ears to help balance out my hormones. It must have worked because I started my period the next day! I also have obtained some Chinese herbs. I can only describe them as "gagalicious." I have to do 11 scoops a day and can do it twice a day. I literally have to dissolve it in warm water, plug my nose and down it in as little time as possible, and then chase it with some sore of juice. As of late, my chaser has been raspberry lemonade. The things we are willing to do to get pregnant is astonishing!My next appoitnment is next week, and I look forward to those appointments. I leave serene and hopeful that my body is ready for the IVF.

The other good news it, I started AF. Thursday I could tell my body was gearing up, despite my BBT being all over the board. So on Friday, I called the doctor's office and went in for an u/s. I had prepared myself that the cysts were still going to be there, and that this wasn't going to be the appointment that we were given the green light. The DH and I had even talked about pushing all this infertility crap off until May or June, to give ourselves an emotional break from it all. I get all ready for my u/s, and well whattya know, NO CYSTS! I couldn't believe it! I called my DH husband first, and then my SIL, and then my mom. I was SOOOO happy! It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders! I could finally be ready for the IVF.

The plan now is to wait until I ovulate during this cycle, and then go on estrogen as soon as the blood work confirms the ovulation. Then, when I started my next cycle, we are good to go for the IVF. It's all a little scary, and it looks like we might have December babies after all (even after I gawked about it...but I guess I'm a December baby and my friend had December Babies, so I've changed my thinking that December is a miracle month for little blessings! :)) Plus, I've learned that NOTHING can control the will of God and mother nature!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Infertility Is

Emotions of Infertility

Today I wave my white flag...

I think we all have days where we can't keep it together.. right? We think " Why me?" It's not fair."  Seriously, someone has it out for me. I thought I lost my wedding ring AND then I fell on on a snow covered patch of ice. I'm an emotional train wreck. Sometimes I feel very alone in this journey....it's hard to explain to those around me. I do try to stay strong, and most days I can. These are the feelings of today...

I am sad . .  .  It is like mother nature is f*&*ing with me.  She has given me all of the parts, she just refuses to make them all work.  I think she is pissed that I have overwhelmed her with fertility drugs for months on end.  I am sad that I have to disappoint my husband yet again. I am sad that I can never really explain to a fertile “working” woman what this feels like to be overwhelmed with the appointments, u/s and disappointment of  infertility.
I am scared  . . . that I can’t keep doing this.  I am not myself anymore. I have lost so much joy through all of this.  I am scared of continuing to try anything to have a child and I am scared of not trying.  I am scared of western medicine, of trusting doctors. I am scared that my friends and family are just so tired of all of this.  I find myself trying not to share too much with them because I feel guilty of burdening them.  But most of all I am scared of how long this journey will continue.
I am sick and tired . . .my poor body just can’t seem to bounce back from the hyperstimulation.  My BBT is all over the place and I have gotten no signs of any ovulation. Just two giant cysts sitting there. If you add that to emotional stress of just "waiting",  I just want to scream “mercy”!
I am overwhelmed . . .  by what lies ahead. I know I can’t keep going like this. The money we keep pouring into this is insane. Will it all be worth it in the end?

Today is just one of those days where I wish I could curl up under the covers and just sleep the world away. A few babysteps backwards. Today I wave my white flag...