Today I am not ok

Today I am not OK. I know there are going to be days that take the wind out of my sails and knock me to my knees. I know that it is OK to be angry and disappointed, but when I step back, I realize that this is all part of my journey. I don't expect anyone to understand, or even always sympathize with me, but I do want people to know that I need to feel the range of all emotions in order to make it through without cracking. I'm allowed to not be fake or have to pretend that I'm OK with everything around me. If I don't allow myself at least that, then I am not staying true to myself.


I am close to the end of this long journey. The ending has never been as close as it is now. I see the finish line and it means so much no to do it alone. I have the most amazing support system and sometimes when you cannot turn to those that you usually do, you find that there is support when other doors open.

PS: I found the following to be comforting in some weird way!

Remember the good old days when you had no idea what cervical mucus was; you didn’t chart your temperature first thing in the morning and you never had a full emotional breakdown if your husband was unavailable during your peak ovulation period.
Infertility has made you weird.
Remember the days when you used birth control pills so you wouldn’t get pregnant? When your older cousin announced her pregnancy and you didn’t burst into tear? When you would walk past a pregnant woman without glaring and feeling jealous of her baby bump? Your life has now changed. Oh, how it has changed.
You now know your husband’s exact sperm count and the rate of his motility (But doctor, his count was 1 million during our last appointment and his motility has gone up 10%). You now use words like ‘cervical mucus’ and ‘ovulation’ as if they are common words (I think I saw cervical mucus last month so I guess I ovulated. Do you think I could be pregnant, co-worker who I don’t really know?). You now have fertility medication in your refrigerator, right next to the milk and last night’s leftover quiche (Dinner time! Tonight we’re having meatloaf or Progesterone). You google all your fake pregnancy symptoms including (and not limited to): I have a cold. Am I pregnant? Strange twitches on left side. Am I pregnant? My right breast feels more swollen than my left. Am I pregnant already?

1. You sob every time someone posts a belly photo on Facebook.
2. A pregnancy announcement from your friend or a complete stranger can send you into an equal depression.
3. You have FertilityAuthority.com and whythehellamInotpregnant.com bookmarked on your computer.
4. You refuse to buy tampons/pads, just in case you might be pregnant this month (and your underwear suffers).
5. You stop drinking coffee and then drink as much as you can once your period arrives.
6. Seeing a drop in your basal temperature makes you inconsolably upset.
7. You listen to Michael Bolton songs and it makes you think of your infertility journey.
8. You feel relieved to see another woman carry a tampon into the bathroom stall.

Infertility has made your weird. But it’s not your fault. Blame infertility.