Today I wave my white flag...

I think we all have days where we can't keep it together.. right? We think " Why me?" It's not fair."  Seriously, someone has it out for me. I thought I lost my wedding ring AND then I fell on on a snow covered patch of ice. I'm an emotional train wreck. Sometimes I feel very alone in this journey....it's hard to explain to those around me. I do try to stay strong, and most days I can. These are the feelings of today...

I am sad . .  .  It is like mother nature is f*&*ing with me.  She has given me all of the parts, she just refuses to make them all work.  I think she is pissed that I have overwhelmed her with fertility drugs for months on end.  I am sad that I have to disappoint my husband yet again. I am sad that I can never really explain to a fertile “working” woman what this feels like to be overwhelmed with the appointments, u/s and disappointment of  infertility.
I am scared  . . . that I can’t keep doing this.  I am not myself anymore. I have lost so much joy through all of this.  I am scared of continuing to try anything to have a child and I am scared of not trying.  I am scared of western medicine, of trusting doctors. I am scared that my friends and family are just so tired of all of this.  I find myself trying not to share too much with them because I feel guilty of burdening them.  But most of all I am scared of how long this journey will continue.
I am sick and tired . . .my poor body just can’t seem to bounce back from the hyperstimulation.  My BBT is all over the place and I have gotten no signs of any ovulation. Just two giant cysts sitting there. If you add that to emotional stress of just "waiting",  I just want to scream “mercy”!
I am overwhelmed . . .  by what lies ahead. I know I can’t keep going like this. The money we keep pouring into this is insane. Will it all be worth it in the end?

Today is just one of those days where I wish I could curl up under the covers and just sleep the world away. A few babysteps backwards. Today I wave my white flag...